Where did all this peace come from?

God’s grace continues to amaze me.  There are times when I wake up in the morning and still can’t believe how different my life is.  Need groceries?  No problem!  I can buy food without worrying.  Car needs gas?  Okey dokey.  Stop at the next gas station.  Clothes for the kids?  Got it. My husband and I have an amazing relationship; I can honestly say I’ve never been this happy.

 

After years of hardship, struggle, sacrifice, and fear, it is so different to live a normal, peaceful life with my husband and children.  We’ve found our little pattern, our niche, and we just live.  My husband is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given to me.

 

I’ve been mourning the loss of my house for 18 months, still wishing I could have it back.  It’s never going to happen, but that’s ok.  Something new is on the horizon.  We will be moving into a permanent house in three short months.  AMAZING.  We have inherited a house!  It has the original everything from the 1960′s in it, so we get to tear it apart and make it ours!  I’m beyond thrilled.  I can’t wait to make a good home for my family.  As family lives there now, we get to go over and begin work!  We have been working on the back yard and are  planting a tree this afternoon.  It’s going to mean a lot of work over the next year, but we can do it!  The best part?  My husband grew up in that house.  Literally.  He moved there when he was two and didn’t move out until he graduated from college. I love that my kids will grow up in the same place that he did.

 

How in the world did I get here?  How did I get from a place of such pain and misery to this?  My life has literally been put back together piece by piece.

Do as I say….

I had a total “do as I say, not as I do” moment this week.

A good friend of mine went through the loss of a relationship at the same time as I was going through my separation/divorce last year.  It was awesome to have each other to talk to and cry with each other as we coped.  We also both found new hope and new loves.  She has been with her new love for almost a year now.

Yesterday, as we had one of our visits, she shared with me that she had a moment where she wanted to go to her previous man.  Not to get back with him, but to comfort him as he dealt with a loss of a family member.  As she teared up she said “do you think I’m awful?  Does my new guy have these moments about his ex?”  My heart immediately went out to her.   I told her that it’s totally natural to have those feelings. She was with him for many years.  Of course you want to comfort them when they hurt.  I also told her that this is a path towards healing that she needs to take.  God doesn’t want us to hold on to bitterness and hate.  That’s not what’s best for us.  Somehow, something has to allow us to remember that even though things got bad and we were hurt, there were good things, good memories and happy times.  And especially when you have a child with the man, it’s best for that child that you somehow become capable of being friends.  Imagine your poor baby being torn between his/her parents all their life.  Imagine how it must feel to know that your parents hate each other and that you may have to choose.  Imagine at their wedding day…do you want your child to feel as though they have to choose who gets the best “parental” attention?  It’s up to you as the parent to make sure that you put the child’s well being first, not your hurt.

These were things that God has been placing on my heart for a while.  It’s not easy; it’s the hardest thing ever.  Somehow, we have to allow the hurt and pain and hate to make way for healing.  Yes, bad things happened.  Yes, I will continue to struggle with it all for years. But I have to remember that my children also have been hurt.  They struggle and cry and wish that things had been different.  I am making great friends with our family therapist and really see no need to have my kids see her for the next 18 years because I can’t get past the divorce.

It’s also up to me to teach my children how to react in times of stress and pain.  What am I teaching my children by continuing to hold on to anger?

If my ex does nothing else but be friends with his children, I can’t ask for more.  At least he’s there in some shape or form.  That’s more than a lot of kids get.

The thing is, now I’ve made myself accountable to my friend as well.  I’m going to have to bite the bullet and work on myself.  I’ve got to focus on the long term health of my children and myself, not on the past.

This is going to be tough.

Who let all these kids in?

When I was first getting divorced, I cannot tell you how many people said, “Oh my god, you have five kids!  What are you going to do?”

Really?

My answer to anyone who said that was “I’m going to be their mom.  I’ll be just fine.”

Becoming a Mom has always been the strongest calling on my heart.  It’s the one thing that I’ve always known I wanted to do.  As a Mom I can honestly say my kids are my world.  They always come first.  Their needs are ahead of mine without a doubt.  Is it frustrating sometimes?  Oh my yes it is…I can’t count the number of times I’ve found myself in tears with frustration, anger, anxiety, exhaustion, etc.  There have been many times when I’ve called my mom for help or hired a sitter for the day to help me.  But do I regret anything?  Not on your life. I’ve learned how to fight my battles and when to just let things slide.  My sanity is much more important than the three string cheeses my two year old has eaten today.

For years I struggled with the severe pain of endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome.  I can remember complaining of pain at 16 years old.  Thanks to these issues, I also struggled with infertility.  I prayed, cried, and begged for children.  Why would God put this on my heart and then tell me no?  Turns out, he wasn’t saying no…He was saying just you wait darling, I’ve got a surprise for you!  Within a  three year span, I became a Mom to five amazing, adorable, and precious children.  I’ve had the chance to experience birth in a myriad of ways from adoption to vaginal birth to a c-section.  I went through the wonderful and very fast paper pregnancy, two bouts with hyperemesis gravidarum with both my pregnancies, and a preemie birth.  You name it, I saw it and survived it.  And I would do it all over again without a doubt.

During this past year as I was in the midst of my divorce, I was also completing a long journey that my body had started many years before.  I was still struggling with the endo, the PCOS, and now adenomyosis.  This means, in basic terms, that I was not only in pain, but I was bleeding severely.  As I was asked to leave my marriage, I was anemic, confused, and hurting.  I had put off my hysterectomy long enough to have children and my time was coming.  I had decided when my last son was born that trying to survive another pregnancy was out of the question and had my tubes tied, so fertility was just no longer a factor in this decision.  My life was being taken over by these issues and it was time for a change.  After spending the majority of June and July in bed or in pain, I finally had my surgery in August.  Thankfully, my heart was ready.

I was nervous, but not too anxious as I waited for my surgery.  Thankfully, my guy was holding my hand and both my parents were with me in pre op.  When I went into the operating room, all I could think about was the fact that it was almost over.  Finally, the pain would go away.  I had no idea how much my life would change. And when I woke up, my new love refused to ever leave my side.  He was there to help me through every step of my recovery.  Something I had never had before.

The first few days were awful, I’m not going to lie.  But after that, everyday was so much better than the day before.  By nine days out of surgery, I was able to go back to work.  At my three week check up (which I went to in three inch heels and a dress) my doctor was amazed.  He walked in, took a step back and said “Oh my God you look great.”  I had been living with pain for so long that the recovery was not only easy, I had not felt this good in very long time.  It was at this appointment that I learned just how bad things were.  I basically suffered from anything you can except for cancer.  My appendix even had to be removed because it was swollen with adhesions.

Talk about a life changing year…..

I’m scared that someday the endometriosis will come back.  There is a chance.  But for now, I’m living life renewed and thanking God that I was given the chance to parent these children.

When Love Takes You In….

As my heart is still processing the events of the past year, I still have to take time to put things together in my mind.

 

The thing is, while I was busy trying to save a marriage for the sake of the children, my ex knew it was over.  It had been over for a long time.  The bad part about what we were doing was that our children didn’t know.  So how do you tell your children that you are getting divorced and help them deal with it?  Thankfully the babies were young enough to not be affected greatly.  But the older ones….oh my poor babies.  Of course they hurt and questioned and wondered.  I’ll never forget my oldest yelling out “this is the worst day of my life!”  But how could they know that it wasn’t the worst…it was actually the start of something much better for them.

In the midst of all this, I continued to see this new person.  I was amazed at how much we understood each other, and at how much we had to say.  We talked for hours without getting bored; this was a whole new experience for me.  My ex and I never had much to say as we didn’t have much in common.  I can’t really say he was the worst thing to happen to me; I think I just made the mistake of being young and wanting love, so I married the wrong guy.  We both had our issues and we both made our mistakes.

My new guy and I did not bring the kids into our new relationship right away.  The children needed time.  And I needed to learn some independence.  I was very proud when I was handed the keys to my apartment.  It was the very first time I would be on my own and I was excited.  My health began to return and I went cold turkey off the antidepressants.  Not that life wasn’t still difficult; of course it was.  But I was gaining the much needed strength that would carry me into my new life.  After two months, I decided to introduce my guy to the children.  I did not want to hide anything from the kids.  They deserved to finally have something out in the open.  I also wanted this guy to woo my children as well as myself.  After all, we are a package deal, and I made that clear from the start.

Was it completely easy?  Of course not.  It never is.  We had some obstacles to deal with.  Children don’t always understand why things happen the way they do.  As time went on, my guy and my kids fell in love with each other.  We spent a lot of time together.  He came over for dinner often and spent days with us at the park, at the zoo, and just hanging out. In fact, we rarely went out on dates alone.  If he was going to be with me, he was going to be with US.  I love that it didn’t bother him at all….

It was at this time that I noticed huge changes in myself.  I was no longer saying things such as “I hate my life” out loud.  I felt happy.  I was able to be around people again for the first time in years.  I began to go to church again.  Life wasn’t just a painful journey that I had to survive…it was actually enjoyable.  I had no idea it could be like this. I was in control…..

I was also falling head over heals in love.

Fast forward a year…I married him.  I’m now almost three months into my new marriage and every day it gets better.  I look at him and my heart skips.  I feel like a teenager; I’m giddy, smiling, and living the life I had always wanted.  So here I sit with this new life, new love and a new resolve.  In the past year I’ve gotten divorced, had a major life changing surgery, and regained control of my life.

 

Thank you God for tearing me to pieces.

 

I don’t remember how to do this

I want to start this post with a disclaimer, lest anyone think I’m a bit cold hearted. I realize that I had just left my husband of eleven years.  I realize that I was fresh into the divorce process.  I realize that it was very early for me to start dating.  However, I had not just up and left my ex on a whim.  I had spent years and years trying to fix a marriage that was not working.  I had suffered, tried, prayed and been terribly hurt for a long time.  By the time I left, I had been lonely for a long while.

 

About a week after we met online, we decided to meet in person for a date.  I was so nervous.  It had been 12 years since I had been on a first date, and I had actually known my ex for months before we started dating so there was no pressure.  This was a whole new game for me.  I had never really met this new guy.  What am I supposed to do on a date?  How do I act?  Oh Lordy, I’m in trouble.

We decided to meet at one of my favorite restaurants (I did this on purpose to give me a sense of calm.)  I spent hours primping and prepping.  Worrying that my hair was too puffy, that my butt was too big, that my glasses made me look like a nerd. But alas, what I have is what I can work with, so I put on my best butt hugging jeans, an awesome top and off I went.  (Note, we had family in town for a funeral, and I had not told anyone except a cousin what was going on. They all gave me knowing looks though as I left, as if I could hide it.  Can’t a girl have a secret??)

I got there first and there was a line, so I put my name on the list and proceeded to wait.  A few minutes later, he walked in.  My stomach flipped and I became beet red I’m sure.  He gave me a quick hug, and I swear I felt butterflies.  We were sat not long after and we just started talking.  And talking.  And talking.  We talked about everything.  Work, politics, life experiences.  We flirted, I flipped my hair more often than I could count, and he smiled a lot.  Five, yes five hours later, with the manager glaring at us for not giving up the table, we finally decided it was time to leave.

He walked me to my car, and like a gentleman, he hugged me good night.  Ah crap.  He just hugged me.  No kiss, no holding hands, nothing else but a hug and a smile.  This sent me reeling.  Not that I didn’t like the hug, I liked it very much, but now I was in “does he like me?” mode.  I had never ever been here.  As I began to drive home, I decided that I would just wait for him to call or text the next day.  If he didn’t like me, I wouldn’t hear from him.  I turned up the radio and just sung along while I took the half hour drive to get back home.

I wasn’t even fifteen minutes into my drive when I got the first text from him.  It was another two hours until we called it a night and went to bed.

I was most definitely in trouble.

Something I never thought I would do

So there I was, fresh on the divorce train.  My bags were packed and on board, I had my traveling clothes on, and, let’s face it, I looked horrible.  I was dropping weight like mad and cried all the time.  At one point, I had to ask myself, “Why am I crying?”  I literally sat there and thought on it.  Here’s what I discovered.  Of course I was losing a marriage, that is quite devastating.  I was also afraid.  I had never been alone. Never.  I went from living with my Mom to living with my husband, and I was back with Mom.  Sooner or later, I was going to be on my own.  Not only that, but who was going to want me?  What man in his right mind would want a 31 year old divorcee with FIVE children.  I was going to be alone forever.

I had no choice but to prove myself wrong.  That was the only way to get out of that line of thinking.  I did something I never thought I would do.  I signed up for match.com.  GASP!  That’s right.  A month out of my marriage, in order to prove myself wrong, I put myself out there.  Did I think I was going to find someone?  No way.  I thought it would be a good way to meet a few friends and boost my self esteem.  I was not in any way looking for the new man in my life.  Crazy thing is, it worked.  I met a couple of friends, we talked a lot, and you know I felt better about myself. I even said it out loud, “I’m not going to be alone.”

Back to December.  In my mind, it was my last day as a married person.  The day I sat in bed all day eating junk food and watching Gilmore Girls and crying.  They day he apologized for what he had done to me and to us.  I mourned all day.  It hurt like hell.  I went to bed that night feeling heavy and sad.  Odd thing is though, when I woke up the next day, something was different.  I felt…..released.  I was no longer obligated or married (in my mind) to my ex. I was free to live my own life and I was ready to take control. I decided to cancel my account with match.com considering it wasn’t necessary anymore and I really wasn’t using it.

That day, I got my first message from him.  He seemed nice, had the same job that I do, and was also in the middle of a divorce.  “What the heck,” I thought.  So we talked.  We talked all night.  We then talked all day the next day.  Several days later, he asked if I wanted to meet in person.  “Oh my…what am I getting myself into?”  You bet your butt, I said yes.

The difference a year makes

It’s amazing how a  year can totally change everything.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “this time last year.”  This time last year, I was having to realize that my eleven year marriage was over, my husband did not in any way, shape, or form want me any more.  He was distant, angry, harsh, and very honest about the fact that he would rather poke his own eyes out than spend time with me.  I had just lost my home and I was desperately holding on to what I could.  No amount of antidepressant medication helped.  I was on a downward spiral, and it was not going to be pretty when I hit bottom.

November 14 was a hard day.  I was folding socks, and for some reason I decided it was time.  I needed to make a stand for myself.  I could no longer be humiliated day after day.   I made a call to a very dear friend and began to share my heart.  She reminded me that I deserve better.  It was  time to go.  And so, after 11 years of marriage, after years of trying to fix the marriage, I asked him one more time to focus on us.  I asked him to stop seeing/talking to his new woman.  He refused.  He then asked for a separation and told me he no longer wanted to be married.

I left an hour later.  For some reason, he was surprised.  Why would I leave?  Gee…..

Moving in to your mom’s house at 30 years old with your five children is not the ideal situation, but it was the best thing I could have done.  I needed to land at rock bottom as softly as I could.  It took a few days.  I was in shock for a while.  My body forgot that it needed to eat.  My mind was racing.  The only function I was able to keep up, albeit I was not at my best, was motherhood.  They came first.  Always.

When I finally came down from the shock, I was very glad to have the support of my family and my friends.  I spent the better part of six weeks in a severe amount of pain.  Physical, spiritual, and emotional pain.  I cried myself to sleep.  I cried myself awake.  I was a walking zombie unable to see past the hurt.  I cried when I filed for divorce with my lawyer.

At some point, I don’t know when, pain made way for anger, and that’s when I knew I was going to be okay.  Not only was going to be okay, dammit, I was going to SHINE.  I made a promise to myself.  I would be strong.  I would be smart.  I would be myself.  I was a Mom, I had to.

Of course, men started coming around immediately.  After all, they could smell fresh meat.  I wasn’t even tempted.  I knew better.  I knew the life that I wanted for myself and for my children, and I was going to get it.

This time last year, God tore me up.  I was in a million broken pieces, holding myself together somehow.  I was broken, I was tired, and I was hurting.

This time last year, I started over.

Before I Start Over…

I think that before I start in the present, I need to look to the past.  It’s not an easy thing, going into your past, but it’s necessary to understand the present.

 

My ex-husband and I were married for 11 years and had five children together.  It was just over a year ago, about 18 months, that I realized my marriage was over.  We hadn’t been happy in a long time and I knew that.  We had struggled financially for years partly because of illnesses on my part, and partly because he did not work.  We simply could not keep up and lost our home to foreclosure. Just a few months prior to this, it was brought to my attention that he had spent the majority of a year cheating on me with various women.  Try as I might, I simply could not move on.  When he found someone else that he would be happier with, he asked me to leave.  And that’s just what I did.  In the same month that I lost my home, I left my marriage.  I never looked back.

It seemed like 2010 was just not my year.  My life fell apart and I lost everything.  At the age of 30, with my five babies in tow, I moved in with my Mom and began to fall apart.  It wasn’t pretty.  In fact, it was awful.  Unable to eat, sleep, of function normally, I felt as though an elephant were sitting on my chest.  Once I fell to pieces though, it became much easier to put myself back together.  Some days were easier, some days were God awful.  But sometimes I would wake up and learn something new about myself. I would have a revelation.  I would wake up one day and realize, “I’m not going to be alone forever.”  Or I would drive home from work and suddenly know “I’m stronger.  I’m better.  I deserve better.”  Little by little, I began to eat again, breathe normally again, and see life more clearly than I had in years.

It was on December 29, 2010 that my life took a complete turn around.  I had a total melt down.  My children had left to spend time with their dad and I was left alone, crying, and eating junk food all day long.  It was my last day to mourn, and I used it well.  I woke up the next morning free.  I was freed from my previous life and ready to move forward.

 

It was time to start over.